Birth Mothers Day 2012

          I would like to say Happy Birth Mothers Day to all the Birth Mothers Out There and the Ones reading my posts. I would just like to remind you and tell you that you are all truly amazing people. You carry around with you such a love and unselfish kindness with you that people could only dream of. With that love and unselfish act you gave a couple a gift that took away tears, that gave them back hope and answered there prayers. Always remember every day not just Birth Mothers Day that you are special, you are loved beyond comparison and in the eyes of many you are an Angel.

          Family is one of the most important things in life and to someone special you allowed them to have a family. You gave them a family not only because of that special someone who enetered their lives because of you, but you too became a big part of their family. Whether you have an open adoption or a closed adoption you are still a big part of their family. Whether you hear it, see it or you don't you are a part of that family in their hearts and they are apart of yours as well. Family goes way further than blood and that connection that the average person would think of as a family. Family is more about a connection and a love that is carried between those people that is so cherrished and never ending.

          So remember this day that you are loved, you are special and you are an angel in the eyes of so many. When all hope was lost you gave them a precious gift and a love beyond all knowledge and a thanks that could never be said enough. So Happy Birth Mothers Day to you all and remember you are loved and always will be.


        

Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears
One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.

Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.
—- Unknown

Adoptive Couples Retreat Update

         I would like to thank everyone that went to the Adoptive Couples Retreat. It turned out to be a great time with a lot of excellent advice and information about adoption and open adoptions. My lovely wife was the key note speaker at the retreat and a copy of her talk is posted on the page noted "Adoptive Couples Retreat." It is an absolutely amazing talk with a very touching story and also very good information for any and all hopeful adoptive couples, birth mothers and adoptees. I hope you all enjoy reading her talk and the information given. I was very pleased to see some of the posts made about the retreat and the affect it had on some of the hopeful adoptive couples that were there. I only hope that the information that is given at these retreats can reach those looking for answers. I look forward to next years retreat and can't wait to hopefully see you all there and many more.

So I Married a Birth Mother Retreat!

          Alright everyone. I know there are a lot of retreats for adoptive couples or birth mothers and/or anything having to do with adoption period. I have not seen any for birth mothers/birth fathers and or for those who have placed and are now married or thinking about getting married. I know that it is a pretty wide variety of what I am trying to seek out here but I think it is important to have it open to such a wide variety as they all come together in so many ways. And because of this I am seeking your help. I am looking for ideas in what you think are important keys in a retreat like this.

          I am wanting to start a retreat for Birth Mothers, Birth Fathers, and also Birth Mothers/Fathers who are married. I think it is important to have all these combined into one retreat as it will allow topics to hit both sides of the spectrum. Not only allowing Birth Mothers/Fathers to talk to married couples in how they dealt with dating after placement and also allowing couples to discuss with other couples about how they plan or planned on telling there future children or now children about there half sister or brother. I also find it important they talk about there adoption both open and closed and how they have handled it and the trials they have had to overcome.

          Now I know a lot of conferences and retreats do mostly classes on how to deal with certain subjects and everything. But I was thinking that yes the classes do help and are important but that it would be beneficial to have open class discussions away from the panels that are normally used. Now that I say that, don't get me wrong I think the panels are awesome and help in so many ways but I'm just looking for a way to really open up certain subjects that allow people to share there true feelings, ask the questions that they are really concerned about and allow personal bonding and making life long friendships with those who have been in there same shoes.

          Now here is where you come into play. I want your opinions and I want your advice. No suggestions or thoughts are wrong or non-helpful. Every thought and piece of advice is very helpful. I want to create a retreat that can really be held annually that people are going to want to come back to for years to come. I want to create a retreat that really touches close to home and allows friendships to be built, answers to be solved and hearts to be touched. NOW I want your thoughts, advice and help. Please you can either comment down below or write me @ imarriedabirthmother@yahoo.com I look forward to reading your comments.

Adoptive Couples Retreat

Attention everyone. It's that time of year where the Adoptive Couples Retreat is approaching. This retreat is truly helpful for hopeful adoptive couples or even those wanting more info about adoption. Please if you would like to come check out the blog posted below and RSVP as soon as possible. Thanks and hope to see you all there. www.retreatforadoptivecouples.blogspot.com

A Miracle In The Making

Where would we be with out Birth Mothers? Before I got to know my wife and the decisions she had made, I really never gave it much thought about adoption and what it means to me, my wife and those who are unable to have children. Now that I know more about adoption I can't stop thinking about the blessings that adoption brings to the lives of so many people. I hate to hear the people that have nothing but negative things to say about adoption and how inconsiderate those people are about the feelings of those birth mothers, birth fathers, adoptive couples and those who have been adopted themselves. Those harsh comments and feelings is what has lead me to write this post.

          I like to think deeper into things, that there is a much more meaningful reasons as to why things happen. That perhaps bad things happen to challenge the lives and the hearts of others in hope that they will turn it around and make a good thing come of it. The adoption process hits both sides of that in so many different ways that to me it truly becomes more of a miracle.

          How does adoption start? I don't mean the hole process after the child has been conceived and the birth mother has decided to place. I'm talking way before that. There are two sides to this love story. It starts with a couple who has come together through love and decided they wanted to start a family and grow there love through family. It continues after countless days, weeks, months and years of trying to start a family or losing a child. Through all the tears, trials, hopes, dreams and the faith of one day being able to start a family, for some that hope may dwindle, there faith may fall and the tears may never stop. That is where the second side of this love story starts again.

          A man and a woman make a choice to do something that some may not be proud of or approve of and then theirs those with different beliefs and become pregnant. Now what? My mom put it out for me in a very simple way. Not a very simple decision but you only have a couple choices. Do I get married, Do we keep the child and hope it works, or do I place the child for adoption and give this child a sure fighting chance with a family whose love is so strong that you know that child will be with a family with a love that no one could even know of? I'm not here to say which is the better choice and which is the bad choice. Everyone has a different story, different relationship with the birth father, different financial situations and so on and so forth. To some it may bring an unmarried couple together making them a stronger couple and bringing the realization of marriage and that maybe it is time for them to be married and start there family together. Then for some it may not be the best decision. That maybe that child deserves a family that can give that child the love, the family, the home and the life that maybe a birth mother and/or birth father couldn't give it.

          A man I know very well and respect and love very much recently told me that "Some things just happen for a reason, a reason unknown and that we cant comprehend". I have heard things like that all the time and never really thought of it to deeply till recently when we were dealing with a very close, personal and sad situation. Why do things happen, why must we have these trials, why must we lose loved ones and why must we have to make the choice? We can't begin to comprehend the emotions that fill a person when they find out they cannot have children or have lost a child. We can't comprehend the emotions that fill a person who has to chose to place there child for adoption. What we can know is that between the two there is a child, a heart, a mind and a love that is so precious that we can only know that things "DO" happen for a reason. Where would those hopeful parents be if it wasn't for those birth mothers?

          You can disagree, you can continue to disapprove with the choices made and you can continue to think that all things happen because of the choices we make. But those choices we make can't be taken back but what we can do with those choices is turn it around in order to affect the lives of others in a positive, loving, hopeful way. Birth Mothers give back hope, they give back love, they take away the tears, the sadness, the fear and they give a miracle. A miracle created beyond our own understanding in order to create FAMILIES.

Husband of a Birth Mother--Guest Blogger--Wesley Speight

Being the husband of a birthmother is a very special experience. I cannot put into words how amazing of a person my wife is. I try not to read into labels people attach to themselves. What is a birthmother? I can give a textbook definition that tells of a person of the female gender that got pregnant and then placed the child for adoption. I can only speak for my experience but my wife is amazing and I am a better person for having her in my life. Adoption is a hot button topic and I never thought about it until I started dating my wife.

                My wife was alone and scared when she found out she was pregnant and knew that she could not raise her on her own. She decided to place this sweet baby girl for adoption with a family that loved each other and could provide her with everything that she couldn’t. I love my wife and can’t begin to describe how strong she is for carrying a baby for nine months and being mature enough to realize that she probably could find a way to raise the baby on her own, but she wanted to give the baby everything. And the one thing she didn’t have at that time was a man that loved her and wanted to share a family together. She made a resolve to find her a family that loves her as much she does. An incredible selfless act to give this child every fighting chance to succeed in this scary world we live in. I’m not trying to advocate for single parenting vs. placing for adoption. As stated before my wife made the best decision her and that beautiful baby. She is stronger than I’ll ever know and it makes me a better person everyday knowing that she truly puts others before herself.

                When she shared her experience with me I knew that she would be a fantastic wife and a loving mother. Starting our own family has been wonderful. An experience where yet again I can’t put into words how fantastic it is to be a dad. My wife can now add the title of mother to her stash. While her birthmother story doesn’t solely define the amazing person she is, I can say that she is better because the choice she made and I love more and more every day.

Wife to a Birth Father--Guest Blogger--Jordyn Farish

Jordyn Farish - Wife Married To A Birth Father
 jojordynanne.blogspot.com
It was early one morning and we were sitting on the floor. Just trying to get to know one another. It had become apparent through all the time we had been spending with our mutual friends, we were falling for each other.
The day before I had told everyone about a tattoo I wanted and someone had mentioned that it sounded similar to one Nicholas wanted. He hadn't elaborated, so when it was just the two of us I asked him. He hesitated. I told him he could tell me no matter what it was, but he didn't have to. He seemed to be searching for just the right words and I grew more anxious each second, I had some ridiculous ideas run through my mind in those 15(ish) seconds.
"I have a daughter..." All I could manage to say was, 'okay', but in my head I was thinking a million thoughts a second. 'She must live with the mom because I haven't seen her or heard her mentioned, and I've known him almost a week. What is his situation with the mom? Does he still have feelings for her? How old is she? What's her name? I bet she's adorable...'
"she was adopted..." Again, 'okay' came out but in my head, 'oh my gosh, I'm going to cry. Is Sue (one of his friends) the mother? He is so amazing, My heart hurts for him.'
"but it's an open adoption so they send me pictures and I'll get to see her when her family comes here this summer." He then proceeded to tell me that he had broken up with the birthmother just a few weeks before they found out she was pregnant, and he didn't have much to do with her at that point. (I think he could see that part of me was worried about that and he wanted to make me feel better.) 


When I left I went straight to my mom's work, I had to tell her all about this guy I was falling in love with. I told her all the sweet things he said to me, then I told her about his daughter. I could tell from the tears in her eyes her reaction was similar to mine. She asked me question like how old she was, or what her name was, or where she lived. I realized I didn't know any of those answers.


A few days later he was at my house, my parents and sister decided to play a word association game with him. They would say one word and he had to say the first thing that came to his mind. 'ice-cream' 'cookies & cream' 'deer' 'venison' etc... my sister said, 'baby' he said 'Olivia' That was when I learned what her name was. 
Over the next few weeks he would share bits and pieces of information with me, I think he was trying to not overwhelm me but also be sure that he could trust me with the most important thing in his life. He showed me the most recent pictures he had been sent, her 5 month update, and he couldn't help but beam with pride at how cute and smart she was. 


Soon she just became a part of every day conversations, and whenever he got sent new pictures he would show me. He would tell me about what he went through during the birthmother's pregnancy, placement, and beyond. He shared these parts of himself that no one else knew. It was very apparent that the way he acted and the way he saw life had changed so much since finding out he was going to be a father, and this man he had become was the man I was meant to marry. We listened to the song 'Cinderella' by Steven Curtis Chapman, and he cried-just a few tears but still.. it was the first time I had seen him cry. I of course began to cry and I told him I realized that I was not only falling in love with him, but also with her. It was scary to admit to my then fiance that I loved his daughter whom I had never even met.


I met Olivia for the first time when she was 9 months old. She crawled up to us and played with us, it was so wonderful to finally meet her and her parents who I had heard so much about. They were even kind enough to make the trip to be here for our wedding. Olivia was an honorary flower girl, and we had a special 'father-daughter' dance for her and Nicholas. They danced to Cinderella and it was beautiful.


Our son Asher was born when Olivia was about 1 1/2. After discussing it between the two of us and then with her parents we decided that we would just tell Asher that she is his big sister. We tell him all about his big sister Olivia and we show him pictures & videos. We want it to be a natural and normal thing to talk about her since we know that she is always going to be a part of our family's life. 
Our most recent visit was just before Christmas. Nicholas got to spend time playing with Olivia, her brother, and Asher as well as spending time with her parents. Its those times that I look at I can't help but feel overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude toward Nicholas for letting me in on this special part of his life, toward Olivia's parents for being so open and loving with us, & especially toward God who took this beautiful little girl and used her to bring families together and to bless many lives.

More Than Just Birth Mothers

          Doing all this posting and push towards birth mothers and the impact that they have in the lives of so many people and making sure in sharing there stories with everyone I have forgotten so many other important people. In the world of adoption it doesn't just affect the Birth Mothers. The emotions, hardships, triumphs, tears and the love are shared by so many other people, that we must not forget those also involved in the adoption process. The Birth Father, the parents of the birth parents, and the adoptive couples.

         I have worked really hard in making sure to answer questions for those Birth Mothers who may have had hardships sharing there stories as well as dating and how to handle the situations of dating after placement. I did this because of the concern that I saw in the eyes of the Birth Mothers that I met with at an adoption conference in Arizona. But we must not forget the other half of the story. The Birth Father. I hate to say it but there is little emphasis on the Birth Fathers side of the adoption and there story that they have to tell to the world. They to have feelings, hardships, love and a story to tell to the world. This post may be short but I would like to open this blog to those Birth Fathers and those who have married a Birth Mother or a Birth Father to share there story with the world. Tell your story good or bad. The world needs to hear your story, they need to know the love your story holds, the wonders that have been created because of your choice and the families it has blessed because of it.

         I won't get carried away with the importance of sharing your story but I do beg of you, all of you reading this and possibly contributing to this site with your stories or pictures please remember everyone that is important in your story of adoption and share your story. There is more than just the Birth Mother and I encourage any and all Birth Fathers to please share your story. If you are or know of a Birth Father I would also like to hear there story and share it on the blog. I am also still always looking for stories from Birth Mothers or those who have married a Birth Mother or Birth Father. Everyones Story is unique and every story is wonderful in it's own entirety.

imarriedabirthmother@yahoo.com

Mothers Day, Birthdays And All Those Other Days

          One of the many things that occurs when dating a birth mother or even after getting married is dealing with holidays that bring up the memories and decisions that were made earlier on in life. These memories obviously  bring up many emotions and can sometimes make it hard to figure out how to handle the situation since we don't know entirely what they are going through or feeling. Being married to a Birth Mother has allowed me to figure out ways of dealing with these feelings. Hopefully through my experiences this will be able to help those husbands that are married to Birth Mothers or even wives that are married to a Birth Father.

          Celebration: During Mothers Day, Birth Mothers Day and even Birthdays our Birth Mothers or Birth Fathers think a lot about the child they placed for adoption and the affects it has had in there lives. During this time a lot of emotion can be brought up such as sadness, happiness or even both. I have found that one way to turn these emotions up and positive is by celebrating. Mothers Day, Birth Mothers Day and Birthdays I like to remember that even though they did place there child for adoption they still are a mother. So you still need to remember your wife or girlfriend during these days and celebrate the holiday. Take them out to dinner go do something fun and get them a card even. These little things can help take there mind off the sadness and help them remember why they did what they did and even celebrate such a loving decision that was made. If it's for a Birthday still go out and do something fun and celebrate the day that the person you love and care about so much brought someone so special to this world and to a family who loves that child as well. If the adoption is open and the family is ok with you coming over to see the child than go together. Nothing better than having some emotional support with you. But always make sure you ask first if it is ok with the family.

          Mourning: Sometimes celebrating these holidays may be very helpful but still emotions can come up and we still need to be very understanding and supportive. Everybody is different and everyone handles things differently. Trying to figure out how your loved one wants you to handle such situations can be hard and the best thing is to simply ask what you can do for them. Some might want you to just hold them and sit with them while they let it pass, some might want to sit by themselves for a while and some might want to talk about it. Whatever the request is you need to listen to what they want and do it. Just make sure you are there for them if needed. In the mean time make sure to do something nice for them. Simple kind acts can brighten someones day no matter how big or small. They simply show you care about that person and about making sure they know they are loved. They made a huge decision that was made with love and they need to know that they are loved and that no matter what, someone is there for them.

          I know that by doing these things for your loved one they will know they are loved and cared for and nothing will brighten there spirit more than this. More importantly we need to remember what our loved one is going through and that we show our love "for" them, let them know that we are there "for" them and will do anything "for" them.

The 5 Steps To Telling Your Story

          In my last post "your worth it" I talked a lot about telling your story to those you are dating. In this post I would like to talk a little more about the Who, What, When, Where and How's of your story. Your story is a very important part of your life and a huge part of your family as well. No matter who you are your story is sacred to you and therefore you need to consider many different  things before you decide to go out and tell your story to everyone. When you consider these things it allows you to keep your story important to you and to those you tell.

          Who: This part is difficult. Although your story is very special to you and should be shared doesn't mean you should go out and just tell everyone. Not everyone is accepting to the fact of adoption and don't understand the love it requires to be able to do such a selfless act. Before you tell your story to someone you have to think about what this person means to you, how they might react, how will your story help them understand and are you comfortable telling your story right now? Being comfortable in telling your story is a huge part. When your comfortable you show more passion and more conviction in your story. When you have these things your story is more easily told and allows the listener to feel your feelings. If you're not comfortable telling your story than don't. When your not comfortable telling someone your story your more prone to jump around in your story, your feelings don't show through and they can sense your anxiety making them feel that maybe you worry about whether or not you made the correct choice or that they will judge you for your decisions.

          What: Once you have decided to  tell set person about your story and feel comfortable doing so, you need to decide exactly how much of your story your going to tell. In some cases this information can be a lot to take in and you don't want to overwhelm them with every last detail. Now if there very accepting of your story and want to discuss more about it than feel free with what your comfortable telling. I feel keeping to the basics of your story, your gratitude for adoption and the blessings it's brought to you is the best for telling someone your story for the first time. People can sometimes get caught up to much into the details which can really take away from the point of the story. So it's best to keep to the important parts of your story. If later on they still have more questions than you can discuss those further with that person later on when it is comfortable to you.

          When: I jumped a little ahead in discussing when to tell your story in the Who section of this post. I think the when factor is brought into all of the 5 concerns as there are a lot of factors to it such as who your telling it to, is the location appropriate, is the timing right, am i ready to tell them my story and have I really thought over how I am going to tell this person about my story?

          Where: When your going to tell your story you really need to evaluate your surroundings and is the environment appropriate to discuss your story. All sacred things whether sacred to you or to those around you have a place and a time. Your obviously not going to want to tell someone your story while around a huge group of people at a party, or at a game, or preferably not over the phone. You want to be somewhere you can really get your story across where there is no interruptions. When your some place that you don't need to worry about interruptions and where they can really listen to your story you take away from the distractions and allows the other person to feel what you feel and the sense of love that is shared there. When they're allowed to feel what you feel and the love that you have for your story than they can know how sacred it is to you and can understand your situation a little more.

          How: With conviction and with bravery. How does anyone get there story across so that those around them can feel what they feel and know what they know? They do it with conviction, passion, love and not being scared. You made a choice when you placed for adoption and even though you had a million reasons to parent and a million reasons to place there was only one reason for why you made the choice that you did. It was for that little child growing inside you. That little child you had yet to meet that had already touched your heart and that you loved with all your heart. You decided to give that child a chance, a life and a family. The love that is required to make that choice is beyond comparison and love cannot be beat. So don't be scared and don't be intimidated. Your story has love, passion and bravery so tell it with all the love, passion and bravery that you have.

          I hope this helps to think about the many situations that should be brought up when getting ready to share your story with others. The biggest thing I can say is to ensure that you are comfortable. I can't say it enough as feeling comfortable telling your story has ten times more of an affect on the person than if you don't feel comfortable. You have something close to you something kept in your heart and will always be there, keep it close to you and keep it sacred by thinking over these 5 steps to telling your story. I know that if you do it will help keep it sacred to you and it will have a lot more positive affect on the person listening as well.

         

Your Worth It!

       During one of my most recent panels that I did for "So I Married A Birth Mother" one subject really hit me hard and made me feel for the birth mothers that were in the room. That was the fear of rejection. I can only imagine how these birth mothers felt and how scared they might have been when getting ready to tell someone they're dating or someone they cared for about there story with adoption. One of many things could happen in such a situation. They could accept the facts and see the blessings that adoption brings into the lives of many, it could be scary for the person receiving the information trying to think of how this will affect there life in the long run or they could not accept the information and take it in a completely unnecessary way.
       Well, I'm here to tell you "YOUR WORTH IT"! If a person really has a problem with your story about adoption and contemplates your relationship because of it than that person IS NOT WORTH IT! Nobody has the right to judge you for your choices and for your past. Every person out there has made choices both good and bad and big or little. But what you do about your choices is what makes the difference in your life and the lives of others. There are many people out there who will tell you that your choices are what make a person and what makes a persons life. Those people are people that I like to call WRONG. What you learn from your choices and what you do about it is what makes a person.
       I don't think people realize the amount of love it takes to be able to accept that maybe parenting a child is not the best thing for you and the child. That maybe the best thing for this child is to give this child a chance, a better life and a family. I can't personally say I know how it feels to be able to make such a decision but I can see the amount of love that is given on both ends of the adoption. So the quote "It's about love" is true in it's entirety. And if people can't accept it or don't beleive it than there not worth wasting your time. There are many more people that are out there that understand and are willing to set things aside and accept your past no matter the situation. Now however you can't expect every guy to either accept or deny your story. You also have to understand that this can be alot to take in, especially depending on when in the relationship you decide to tell the person you are dating or have a relationship with. You must allow and be understanding that they might need a minute or a little time to really absorb the information and accept what has happened and see the blessings it has created. And if said person really does care about you than they will be willing to stand by your side. And if not than it may hurt but atleast the truth is out and there is nothing to hide. After all, isn't dating all about finding "The One"? And if you truelly care about someone or love someone you don't keep secrets. That's part of being in a relationship and building a relationship.
         When you decide to tell that special someone I cannot tell. There are many factors as to When, Where and How to tell someone your story. I encourage you to tell your story and share it with others and how it has blessed your life.  As adoption is truelly selfless. Be strong, be brave and don't be scared  just remember that you gave a child a chance, a life a family and a love that can't be beat and there is no greater love than that. Because you were strong and made a choice that changed the life of many for the better, that selfless act makes you..... "WORTH IT"!

Introduction

          My name is Brandon and I Married A Birth Mother! My beautiful wife placed a Child through LDS Family Services about 9 Months prior to meeting me. We have an open adoption that has been a blessing to our lives in so many different ways. Ever since we started dating and were married, adoption has been a big part of our lives. She has volunteered for many birth panels and attended a couple adoption conferences. Recently I attended a FSA "Families Supporting Adoption" Conference with my wife and one our friends and her husband who had placed a child using LDS Family Services at the same time. I was asked to help out in speaking at a panel called "So I Married A Birth Mother". We were asked to talk about our story. About how we met our wives, how our wives told us they had placed a child through adoption, how it has affected our lives, whether it was an open or closed adoption, if the adoption had any negative sides to it that affected us personally and how we planned on telling our future children. Most of the people that were listening were birth mothers who had placed a baby and had questions or concerns about dating after adoption. After listening to the questions and concerns that those girls had and seeing the fear they had regarding rejection and  /or being judged by others I was inspired to write this blog. As I write more into this blog I will write more about my story and how it has impacted my life personally and share the stories of others and their experiences with adoption and dating and the affects in which it has impacted their lives. I hope this blog will help those who worry or are scared to date after they have placed a child through adoption. I also would like this blog to help those who are quick to judge in changing their thoughts about adoption and the strength and courage in which it takes to be able to place a baby for adoption to ensure that child has a better life. I promote all to ask questions or comment or share their story to help those who are concerned about dating or pursuing the dating scene. However I due not promote negative comments or suggestions. If your comments or thoughts are not positive or supportive to the help of others than please do not comment. Thank you for reading and I look forward to discussing the stories of others and hopefully helping others that may have similar situations in adoption and dating.