One of the many things that occurs when dating a birth mother or even after getting married is dealing with holidays that bring up the memories and decisions that were made earlier on in life. These memories obviously bring up many emotions and can sometimes make it hard to figure out how to handle the situation since we don't know entirely what they are going through or feeling. Being married to a Birth Mother has allowed me to figure out ways of dealing with these feelings. Hopefully through my experiences this will be able to help those husbands that are married to Birth Mothers or even wives that are married to a Birth Father.
Celebration: During Mothers Day, Birth Mothers Day and even Birthdays our Birth Mothers or Birth Fathers think a lot about the child they placed for adoption and the affects it has had in there lives. During this time a lot of emotion can be brought up such as sadness, happiness or even both. I have found that one way to turn these emotions up and positive is by celebrating. Mothers Day, Birth Mothers Day and Birthdays I like to remember that even though they did place there child for adoption they still are a mother. So you still need to remember your wife or girlfriend during these days and celebrate the holiday. Take them out to dinner go do something fun and get them a card even. These little things can help take there mind off the sadness and help them remember why they did what they did and even celebrate such a loving decision that was made. If it's for a Birthday still go out and do something fun and celebrate the day that the person you love and care about so much brought someone so special to this world and to a family who loves that child as well. If the adoption is open and the family is ok with you coming over to see the child than go together. Nothing better than having some emotional support with you. But always make sure you ask first if it is ok with the family.
Mourning: Sometimes celebrating these holidays may be very helpful but still emotions can come up and we still need to be very understanding and supportive. Everybody is different and everyone handles things differently. Trying to figure out how your loved one wants you to handle such situations can be hard and the best thing is to simply ask what you can do for them. Some might want you to just hold them and sit with them while they let it pass, some might want to sit by themselves for a while and some might want to talk about it. Whatever the request is you need to listen to what they want and do it. Just make sure you are there for them if needed. In the mean time make sure to do something nice for them. Simple kind acts can brighten someones day no matter how big or small. They simply show you care about that person and about making sure they know they are loved. They made a huge decision that was made with love and they need to know that they are loved and that no matter what, someone is there for them.
I know that by doing these things for your loved one they will know they are loved and cared for and nothing will brighten there spirit more than this. More importantly we need to remember what our loved one is going through and that we show our love "for" them, let them know that we are there "for" them and will do anything "for" them.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
The 5 Steps To Telling Your Story
In my last post "your worth it" I talked a lot about telling your story to those you are dating. In this post I would like to talk a little more about the Who, What, When, Where and How's of your story. Your story is a very important part of your life and a huge part of your family as well. No matter who you are your story is sacred to you and therefore you need to consider many different things before you decide to go out and tell your story to everyone. When you consider these things it allows you to keep your story important to you and to those you tell.
Who: This part is difficult. Although your story is very special to you and should be shared doesn't mean you should go out and just tell everyone. Not everyone is accepting to the fact of adoption and don't understand the love it requires to be able to do such a selfless act. Before you tell your story to someone you have to think about what this person means to you, how they might react, how will your story help them understand and are you comfortable telling your story right now? Being comfortable in telling your story is a huge part. When your comfortable you show more passion and more conviction in your story. When you have these things your story is more easily told and allows the listener to feel your feelings. If you're not comfortable telling your story than don't. When your not comfortable telling someone your story your more prone to jump around in your story, your feelings don't show through and they can sense your anxiety making them feel that maybe you worry about whether or not you made the correct choice or that they will judge you for your decisions.
What: Once you have decided to tell set person about your story and feel comfortable doing so, you need to decide exactly how much of your story your going to tell. In some cases this information can be a lot to take in and you don't want to overwhelm them with every last detail. Now if there very accepting of your story and want to discuss more about it than feel free with what your comfortable telling. I feel keeping to the basics of your story, your gratitude for adoption and the blessings it's brought to you is the best for telling someone your story for the first time. People can sometimes get caught up to much into the details which can really take away from the point of the story. So it's best to keep to the important parts of your story. If later on they still have more questions than you can discuss those further with that person later on when it is comfortable to you.
When: I jumped a little ahead in discussing when to tell your story in the Who section of this post. I think the when factor is brought into all of the 5 concerns as there are a lot of factors to it such as who your telling it to, is the location appropriate, is the timing right, am i ready to tell them my story and have I really thought over how I am going to tell this person about my story?
Where: When your going to tell your story you really need to evaluate your surroundings and is the environment appropriate to discuss your story. All sacred things whether sacred to you or to those around you have a place and a time. Your obviously not going to want to tell someone your story while around a huge group of people at a party, or at a game, or preferably not over the phone. You want to be somewhere you can really get your story across where there is no interruptions. When your some place that you don't need to worry about interruptions and where they can really listen to your story you take away from the distractions and allows the other person to feel what you feel and the sense of love that is shared there. When they're allowed to feel what you feel and the love that you have for your story than they can know how sacred it is to you and can understand your situation a little more.
How: With conviction and with bravery. How does anyone get there story across so that those around them can feel what they feel and know what they know? They do it with conviction, passion, love and not being scared. You made a choice when you placed for adoption and even though you had a million reasons to parent and a million reasons to place there was only one reason for why you made the choice that you did. It was for that little child growing inside you. That little child you had yet to meet that had already touched your heart and that you loved with all your heart. You decided to give that child a chance, a life and a family. The love that is required to make that choice is beyond comparison and love cannot be beat. So don't be scared and don't be intimidated. Your story has love, passion and bravery so tell it with all the love, passion and bravery that you have.
I hope this helps to think about the many situations that should be brought up when getting ready to share your story with others. The biggest thing I can say is to ensure that you are comfortable. I can't say it enough as feeling comfortable telling your story has ten times more of an affect on the person than if you don't feel comfortable. You have something close to you something kept in your heart and will always be there, keep it close to you and keep it sacred by thinking over these 5 steps to telling your story. I know that if you do it will help keep it sacred to you and it will have a lot more positive affect on the person listening as well.
Who: This part is difficult. Although your story is very special to you and should be shared doesn't mean you should go out and just tell everyone. Not everyone is accepting to the fact of adoption and don't understand the love it requires to be able to do such a selfless act. Before you tell your story to someone you have to think about what this person means to you, how they might react, how will your story help them understand and are you comfortable telling your story right now? Being comfortable in telling your story is a huge part. When your comfortable you show more passion and more conviction in your story. When you have these things your story is more easily told and allows the listener to feel your feelings. If you're not comfortable telling your story than don't. When your not comfortable telling someone your story your more prone to jump around in your story, your feelings don't show through and they can sense your anxiety making them feel that maybe you worry about whether or not you made the correct choice or that they will judge you for your decisions.
What: Once you have decided to tell set person about your story and feel comfortable doing so, you need to decide exactly how much of your story your going to tell. In some cases this information can be a lot to take in and you don't want to overwhelm them with every last detail. Now if there very accepting of your story and want to discuss more about it than feel free with what your comfortable telling. I feel keeping to the basics of your story, your gratitude for adoption and the blessings it's brought to you is the best for telling someone your story for the first time. People can sometimes get caught up to much into the details which can really take away from the point of the story. So it's best to keep to the important parts of your story. If later on they still have more questions than you can discuss those further with that person later on when it is comfortable to you.
When: I jumped a little ahead in discussing when to tell your story in the Who section of this post. I think the when factor is brought into all of the 5 concerns as there are a lot of factors to it such as who your telling it to, is the location appropriate, is the timing right, am i ready to tell them my story and have I really thought over how I am going to tell this person about my story?
Where: When your going to tell your story you really need to evaluate your surroundings and is the environment appropriate to discuss your story. All sacred things whether sacred to you or to those around you have a place and a time. Your obviously not going to want to tell someone your story while around a huge group of people at a party, or at a game, or preferably not over the phone. You want to be somewhere you can really get your story across where there is no interruptions. When your some place that you don't need to worry about interruptions and where they can really listen to your story you take away from the distractions and allows the other person to feel what you feel and the sense of love that is shared there. When they're allowed to feel what you feel and the love that you have for your story than they can know how sacred it is to you and can understand your situation a little more.
How: With conviction and with bravery. How does anyone get there story across so that those around them can feel what they feel and know what they know? They do it with conviction, passion, love and not being scared. You made a choice when you placed for adoption and even though you had a million reasons to parent and a million reasons to place there was only one reason for why you made the choice that you did. It was for that little child growing inside you. That little child you had yet to meet that had already touched your heart and that you loved with all your heart. You decided to give that child a chance, a life and a family. The love that is required to make that choice is beyond comparison and love cannot be beat. So don't be scared and don't be intimidated. Your story has love, passion and bravery so tell it with all the love, passion and bravery that you have.
I hope this helps to think about the many situations that should be brought up when getting ready to share your story with others. The biggest thing I can say is to ensure that you are comfortable. I can't say it enough as feeling comfortable telling your story has ten times more of an affect on the person than if you don't feel comfortable. You have something close to you something kept in your heart and will always be there, keep it close to you and keep it sacred by thinking over these 5 steps to telling your story. I know that if you do it will help keep it sacred to you and it will have a lot more positive affect on the person listening as well.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Your Worth It!
During one of my most recent panels that I did for "So I Married A Birth Mother" one subject really hit me hard and made me feel for the birth mothers that were in the room. That was the fear of rejection. I can only imagine how these birth mothers felt and how scared they might have been when getting ready to tell someone they're dating or someone they cared for about there story with adoption. One of many things could happen in such a situation. They could accept the facts and see the blessings that adoption brings into the lives of many, it could be scary for the person receiving the information trying to think of how this will affect there life in the long run or they could not accept the information and take it in a completely unnecessary way.
Well, I'm here to tell you "YOUR WORTH IT"! If a person really has a problem with your story about adoption and contemplates your relationship because of it than that person IS NOT WORTH IT! Nobody has the right to judge you for your choices and for your past. Every person out there has made choices both good and bad and big or little. But what you do about your choices is what makes the difference in your life and the lives of others. There are many people out there who will tell you that your choices are what make a person and what makes a persons life. Those people are people that I like to call WRONG. What you learn from your choices and what you do about it is what makes a person.
I don't think people realize the amount of love it takes to be able to accept that maybe parenting a child is not the best thing for you and the child. That maybe the best thing for this child is to give this child a chance, a better life and a family. I can't personally say I know how it feels to be able to make such a decision but I can see the amount of love that is given on both ends of the adoption. So the quote "It's about love" is true in it's entirety. And if people can't accept it or don't beleive it than there not worth wasting your time. There are many more people that are out there that understand and are willing to set things aside and accept your past no matter the situation. Now however you can't expect every guy to either accept or deny your story. You also have to understand that this can be alot to take in, especially depending on when in the relationship you decide to tell the person you are dating or have a relationship with. You must allow and be understanding that they might need a minute or a little time to really absorb the information and accept what has happened and see the blessings it has created. And if said person really does care about you than they will be willing to stand by your side. And if not than it may hurt but atleast the truth is out and there is nothing to hide. After all, isn't dating all about finding "The One"? And if you truelly care about someone or love someone you don't keep secrets. That's part of being in a relationship and building a relationship.
When you decide to tell that special someone I cannot tell. There are many factors as to When, Where and How to tell someone your story. I encourage you to tell your story and share it with others and how it has blessed your life. As adoption is truelly selfless. Be strong, be brave and don't be scared just remember that you gave a child a chance, a life a family and a love that can't be beat and there is no greater love than that. Because you were strong and made a choice that changed the life of many for the better, that selfless act makes you..... "WORTH IT"!
Well, I'm here to tell you "YOUR WORTH IT"! If a person really has a problem with your story about adoption and contemplates your relationship because of it than that person IS NOT WORTH IT! Nobody has the right to judge you for your choices and for your past. Every person out there has made choices both good and bad and big or little. But what you do about your choices is what makes the difference in your life and the lives of others. There are many people out there who will tell you that your choices are what make a person and what makes a persons life. Those people are people that I like to call WRONG. What you learn from your choices and what you do about it is what makes a person.
I don't think people realize the amount of love it takes to be able to accept that maybe parenting a child is not the best thing for you and the child. That maybe the best thing for this child is to give this child a chance, a better life and a family. I can't personally say I know how it feels to be able to make such a decision but I can see the amount of love that is given on both ends of the adoption. So the quote "It's about love" is true in it's entirety. And if people can't accept it or don't beleive it than there not worth wasting your time. There are many more people that are out there that understand and are willing to set things aside and accept your past no matter the situation. Now however you can't expect every guy to either accept or deny your story. You also have to understand that this can be alot to take in, especially depending on when in the relationship you decide to tell the person you are dating or have a relationship with. You must allow and be understanding that they might need a minute or a little time to really absorb the information and accept what has happened and see the blessings it has created. And if said person really does care about you than they will be willing to stand by your side. And if not than it may hurt but atleast the truth is out and there is nothing to hide. After all, isn't dating all about finding "The One"? And if you truelly care about someone or love someone you don't keep secrets. That's part of being in a relationship and building a relationship.
When you decide to tell that special someone I cannot tell. There are many factors as to When, Where and How to tell someone your story. I encourage you to tell your story and share it with others and how it has blessed your life. As adoption is truelly selfless. Be strong, be brave and don't be scared just remember that you gave a child a chance, a life a family and a love that can't be beat and there is no greater love than that. Because you were strong and made a choice that changed the life of many for the better, that selfless act makes you..... "WORTH IT"!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Introduction
My name is Brandon and I Married A Birth Mother! My beautiful wife placed a Child through LDS Family Services about 9 Months prior to meeting me. We have an open adoption that has been a blessing to our lives in so many different ways. Ever since we started dating and were married, adoption has been a big part of our lives. She has volunteered for many birth panels and attended a couple adoption conferences. Recently I attended a FSA "Families Supporting Adoption" Conference with my wife and one our friends and her husband who had placed a child using LDS Family Services at the same time. I was asked to help out in speaking at a panel called "So I Married A Birth Mother". We were asked to talk about our story. About how we met our wives, how our wives told us they had placed a child through adoption, how it has affected our lives, whether it was an open or closed adoption, if the adoption had any negative sides to it that affected us personally and how we planned on telling our future children. Most of the people that were listening were birth mothers who had placed a baby and had questions or concerns about dating after adoption. After listening to the questions and concerns that those girls had and seeing the fear they had regarding rejection and /or being judged by others I was inspired to write this blog. As I write more into this blog I will write more about my story and how it has impacted my life personally and share the stories of others and their experiences with adoption and dating and the affects in which it has impacted their lives. I hope this blog will help those who worry or are scared to date after they have placed a child through adoption. I also would like this blog to help those who are quick to judge in changing their thoughts about adoption and the strength and courage in which it takes to be able to place a baby for adoption to ensure that child has a better life. I promote all to ask questions or comment or share their story to help those who are concerned about dating or pursuing the dating scene. However I due not promote negative comments or suggestions. If your comments or thoughts are not positive or supportive to the help of others than please do not comment. Thank you for reading and I look forward to discussing the stories of others and hopefully helping others that may have similar situations in adoption and dating.
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