Some of you may be able to relate to having an older brother who found delight in teasing his younger sisters. This was true of my mom and her brother. When my Mom was about 10 years old, her brother convinced her that she was adopted. Now keep in mind, she was the middle child out of a family of ten children none of which were adopted. But her brother’s persuasive story made her believe that she was truly adopted which in turn got the reaction out of her that he was hoping for. Which was of distress, and worry, and lots of tears. To her at that point in her life, the word adoption held more negative connotations than positive.
Fast forward 2o years later, when I was placed into my mom’s arm, the word “adoption” was now associated with joy, miracles, love, hope, prayers answered.
Many years ago adoption use to be the secret no one talked about. Children didn’t grow up knowing they were adopted, finding out years later the shocking truth feeling hurt and lied to about their real birth story and where they came from.
I think that in general adoption now days has “came out of the dark” it has become more of an acceptable choice one that we closely associate with love, happiness, and blessings.
So what has changed? I believe that it is because adoption is no longer that dark little secret that is hid from the world. It has become more open, talked about, discussed, and most importantly celebrated!
I would like to start off by reading a passage from my husband’s blog called “So I Married A Birth Mother” entitled “A Miracle In The Making.”
“How does adoption start: I don’t mean the whole process after the child has been conceived and the birth mother has decided to place. I’m talking way before that. There are two sides to this love story. It starts with a couple who has come together through love and countless days, weeks, months and years or trying to start a family or possibly even losing a child. Through all the tears, trials hopes, dreams and the faith of one day being able to start a family, for some that hope may dwindle, their faith may fall and the tears may never stop. That is where the second side of this love story begins.
A man and woman make a choice to do something that some may not be proud of or approve of and then theirs those with different beliefs and one day become pregnant. The question now pops into their minds “Now What?” My mom put it out for me in a very simple way. Not a very simple decision but you only have a couple choices. Do I get married, do we keep the child and hope it works, or do I place the child for adoption and give this child a sure fighting chance with a family whose love is so strong that you know that child will be with a family with a love that no one could even comprehend. I’m not here to say which is the better choice and which is the bad choice. Everyone has a different story, different relationships with the birth father, different financial situations and so on and so forth. To some it may bring an unmarried couple together making them a stronger couple and bringing the realization of marriage and that maybe it is time for them to be married and start their family together. Then for some it may not be the best decision. That maybe that child deserves a family that can give that child the love, the family, the home and the life that maybe a birth mother and or birth father couldn’t give that precious child.” End quote
I have a long line of adoption that runs through my family and it has been wonderful and I am excited to tell you my story and the importance and greatness of being able to have an open adoption.
My Birthmother Heidi was born in Villavencio, Columbia. She has a twin brother and an older sister who was about two years older. Their birthfather was was 72 years old and their birthmother was 25. We don’t really know the whole story but considering their age difference it may have been an arranged marriage but with that being said, her birthmother just up and left one day leaving her elderly birthfather the responsibility of taking care of three small children and working long, hard hours as a brick layer. The reality was soon apparent and he did what he thought was best he placed my birthmother Heidi and her twin brother in an orphanage. They were three years old at the time and he kept their older sister who was five.
At the same time their soon to be adoptive father was in Columbia doing research to be a Latin American Professor. One of his team members decided they should go to the local orphanage to see the children. He had a wife and two children at home in Louisiana so he had no intentions of bringing home any children, until he saw this beautiful little girl and asked how he would go about adopting her. They told him that she had a twin brother and they wouldn’t split them up so he met her brother. Meanwhile his wife kept having this dream about a baby robin and a blue jay that were in a nest. They kept opening and closing their mouths wanting to be fed. She could not figure out what this dream meant until she received a letter from her husband saying he had found a set of twins that he wanted to adopt and she knew it was meant to be.
So Heidi and her twin brother soon adapted to living in America and quickly learning English and becoming part of a new family. Her life was full of love and happiness and then there was a bump in the road at the age of 22 she found out she was pregnant and unmarried and knew she wanted her baby to have a mother and a father. She was working at a KFC for my dad’s cousin Scott and when he found out she was pregnant he asked her what her plans were because he knew of a couple that had been trying for seven years to have children which happened to be my parents. They had gone through the infertility rollercoaster and with this exciting phone call from Scott their dreams of becoming parents might be coming true. They were hesitant to become too optimistic about this working but Heidi knew that they were meant to be her baby’s parents. So they started the adoption process through a lawyer. Heidi had not told her parents that she was pregnant because her father was about to have his 7th open heart surgery and she knew that if she told them she would give her dad a heart attack. And it would in fact be another 14 years later before she revealed this shocking secret to her mother. Heidi was about a week overdue with me and miserable so she called the doctor so she could be started at about 9 o’clock that night. My dad’s cousin called my parents to let them know I would probably be born the next day and that they should get some sleep and come down the next day. But they were too excited and left Brigham City as soon as they heard the news. They slept on the couch right outside the birthing room. So on July 18, 1989 they held in their arms for the first time their daughter which happens to be me!
Within minutes of my being born they brought me out so that my mom and dad could hold me for the first time. My mom said that at that moment she had never had such joy but in a way it was bittersweet for them knowing that Heidi had just gone through a very difficult labor and her arms were empty and also that she did not have her mom by her side during this very challenging time in her life.
During the next few years, Heidi and my parents kept track of each other’s lives through Scott, my dad’s cousin. My mom and dad would always tell Scott to let Heidi know that if she ever wanted to see me that it was good with them. My parents worried about Heidi not having closure with the adoption process and they felt that if Heidi could see me and know that I was happy and doing well then it would help her.
So when I was about 7 years old, we finally met for the first time. I remember I thought it was cool that I could see where I got my silly shaped toes from and my dark hair, eyes, and complexion. To be honest, I really don’t remember how I was feeling about Heidi. I can say that it wasn’t like you see on the talk shows where there is an instant bonding between mother and daughter. I think we were both more worried about what we thought of each other.
From that point on, our relationship became more open. In the beginning , our meetings and phone calls were sporadic, Heidi was living in California and so it was hard to get
together. But as I came into my teenage years, we had more opportunity to connect. Heidi came to my highschool graduation, and she came with us when I went wedding dress shopping and she was there when I married my sweetheart in the Mt Timponogos Temple.
Open adoptions were rare back when I was growing up but I am grateful for that experience. Open adoptions can thrive and be a positive influence in both the adoptee and the birthparents lives if everyone involved are in a healthy state, have good communication skills and everyone knows the boundaries and the role they should play. This was certainly the case in my situation and my life has been greatly blessed because of it.
I have a younger brother named chase who is 4 years younger than me and was also adopted. His adoption was through LDS Family Services, and 18 years ago things were very closed. We all had different names we would use when we sent letters to her. During his first year when we sent pictures we had to cut ourselves out of them. I asked my brother how he felt growing up not knowing his birthmother. He said it made him mad that he couldn’t know her and see where he got his physical features from and personality traits. And I think he has had a very hard time dealing with it, especially since my adoption has been so open with my birthmother.
When I was 18 I had just graduated from High school, I was going to school at the local ATC. I thought I was on top of the world, invincible, and I was having the time of my life. My co-worker decided to set me up with this guy named Carl. He was a personal trainer and working at a home for troubled youth. We had fun together and we began to get more serious. A couple months later I became very sick with mono at the same time I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to tell Carl first to decide what we were going to do and what decisions we needed to make, he didn’t want to catch mono so he wouldn’t come over to my house so that we could talk about it so I just had to tell him over the phone and he told me I wasn’t pregnant and I wanted to believe that so bad so I convinced myself for a couple weeks that I wasn’t and by that time Carl had disappeared. I knew I needed to make some difficult decisions for myself and for my baby. I could either single parent or place for adoption. So my next step was to talk to a case worker at LDS Family Services about my options. Because of my own adoption being open I knew I could possibly have a good close relationship with my baby if I placed her for adoption. I think this made my decision much easier knowing that the door would not be closed and that she would have a mom and a DAD.
It all fit into place when I was about 7 months along and needing to make a decision because time was running out. My mom just happened to mention our family friend David and his wife Stephanie to me just in conversation not with the intent that I should place with them. David (who was also adopted) was my primary teacher when I was 8 years old. He was getting ready to leave on a mission so the whole time he was gone I wrote him letters and sent pictures. We had a very good relationship. My mom had talked to David’s mom Sheila at church and asked how David and Steph were doing and if they were planning on starting a family anytime soon. Sheila said that they were doing good but they had been trying everything to get pregnant but with no luck. They thought maybe Steph was too stressed with work so she had decided to quit her job. As soon as my mom mentioned them I couldn’t get them out of my head. I knew in my heart that they were meant to be my baby’s parents.
I wasn’t sure how to go about asking them if they were interested in being my baby’s parents. I didn’t know if they had even got to the point where they were thinking about adoption. All I knew was that David was a great role model to me growing up and I couldn’t think of better parents. So my parents talked to his parents and they had no clue I was even pregnant but they said they would talk to David. The next day David was calling me wanting to meet and talk. I told him he didn’t have much time to get ready I was due in about a month and a half and that I was having a girl. They were ecstatic and it explained the dream that Stephanie had about a baby girl with dark hair. But once again time was an issue they had recently purchased a repoed house that basically needed work from the studs up. They also needed to have a home study and background checks and all the classes that prospective adoptive couples were required to take all in a month and a half.
My pregnancy had been very easy with no complications but at this point I was 4 days overdue and my doctor was going to be out of town so he admitted me to the hospital to induce my labor. I called David and Stephanie so they could be there with me every second waiting on me hand and foot. As my labor progressed the nurses came in to check on me and asked everyone to step out of the room for a few minutes. At this point we knew it was only a matter of hours until Ruthie graced us with her presence. While in the hall waiting to go back in the birthing room my mom and David had a heart to heart about a problem that existed with their background check. It had not came through and we had been told that if it was not in place by the time she was suppose to come home that she would either be placed in foster care or go home with me until it was figured out. Within minutes of that conversation David received a phone call saying that their background check had arrived and all was well. Another miracle confirming my decision. All seemed to be going as planned but we all know that the best laid plans are destined to change. Ruthie arrived at 1:14 PM on September 10, 2008, with a room full of family and friends including David and Stephanie her new mom and dad!
I had about 4 wonderful hours holding Ruthie and having my own alone time with her. The plan was to have the placement the next day and as I said before plans changed and they did in a big way. The nurse had come to get Ruthie to give her a bath and let me get some rest. In short the pediatrician was called in to check her breathing and it was determined that she had a diaphragmatic hernia. Which means that there had been a tear in her diaphragm that had caused her intestines to push through the tear and was causing pressure on her left lung. Immediately life flight was called to transport her to primary children’s hospital. They brought Ruthie in my room right before they left she was hooked up to all kinds of wires and monitors. I had made one of the most difficult decisions of my life and now I didn’t know what the future held for Ruthie. Many tears were shed.
After 4 surgeries and many priesthood blessings Ruthie was able to go home from Primary Children’s on thanksgiving day which was almost 3 months after she was born. Even after signing papers making Ruthie officially David and Stephanie’s daughter they were so good about keeping me updated on her progress and letting me go to the hospital to check on her whenever I needed to.
Ruthie is now a happy and healthy 3 year old with no complications. I have been to her blessing and all her birthday parties, we see her on Christmas, and she was there for my wedding and sometimes we just have some dinner and hang out and watch a movie. I have enjoyed watching her grow up and knowing that I made the best decision in choosing wonderful parents to raise her.
In 1999 the National Council for Adoption reported that only 10% of all national adoptions were open adoptions in some form or another. This statistic did not include international adoptions. In a more recent study roughly 14,000 to 18,000 adoptions or 55% of adoptions are fully open allowing contact with the adoptive parties. Another 40% of adoptions are mediated allowing no contact only letters and pictures to be exchanged through a 3rd party. This leaves the remaining 5% of all adoptions to be fully closed.
How does open and closed adoptions affect us? In 1974 research studies proved that some of the psychological problems in adolescents and adult adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents appeared to be directly related to the secrecy of adoption. When you think about it, it seems understandable on how having a completely closed adoption could cause a lot of stress, anger and emotional feelings or not understanding why.
I have been lucky to have such open adoptions both as an adoptee and as a Birth Mother. Both by having an open adoption with my Birth Mother Heidi and having an open and loving adoption with my adoptive couple. I have found that having an open adoption opens all sorts of new opportunities. Open adoptions can allow a much greater love between the adoptive couple, the adoptee and the Birth Parents. As I said before this can only happen if all parties are in a healthy state of mind.
What is greater than family? With my open adoptions it’s not an awkward connection with other families it’s more of an extended family to me, to the adoptive couples and my Birth Mother. In my adoptions we are very close on both aspects. We spend a lot of time together celebrating birthdays, holidays and even just to have an enjoyable time together. It creates such a close friendship that we are all family. You can ask my adoptive couple and they will tell you we are family. For me it’s been great to watch my little girl grow into her own little personality and see what traits she has got from me and the things she has learned and picked up from her parents as well.
Having an open adoption doesn’t just create a greater family connection and love but it also helps in the long run for the Birth parents, the adoptee and the adoptive couples. Having an open adoption allows to keep the secrecy of being adopted out of the question. It allows a relationship between the child and the Birth Parents which I feel is very important to both the child and the Birth Parents. Every child goes through the questions of why did my parents place me with another family? Did they not love me, did they not want me and many other questions that they might not understand. Having an open adoption allows those questions to be answered or not even be brought into the mind of that child. Because in the long run the birth parents are still there for that child if they have those questions or those doubts. It also allows that child to know they are loved on both sides. Knowing that they were placed with another family that loved them, even before they were born and that the Birth Parents are also in the picture showing that child their love for them, that they stayed as a part of that child’s life.
I think my wonderful husband summed it up best when he said, “We can't begin to comprehend the emotions that fill a person when they find out they cannot have children or have lost a child. We can't comprehend the emotions that fill a person who has to chose to place there child for adoption. What we can know is that between the two there is a child, a heart, a mind and a love that is so precious that we can only know that things "DO" happen for a reason. Where would those hopeful parents be if it wasn't for those birth mothers?”
